I wish my penis had an off switch
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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