Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
me + whiskey = a bad person
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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