i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
