Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
