we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
