She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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