Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
