Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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