do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
