had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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