i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
