Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
