Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
