I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My bed smells like the plague
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
