he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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