I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
