I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
