fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
