It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
