Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
