non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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