why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
