Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
