I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
