I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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