checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
