apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
