i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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