Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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