If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
