I think I died a long time ago.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
