Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
