Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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