It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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