in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
