im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize