Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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