OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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