Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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