honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
