I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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