Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
