i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
