I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My bed smells like the plague
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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