i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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