Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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