The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
