i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
