In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
