Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
