The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
