I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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