Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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