I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
