his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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