I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
