The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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