Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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