I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize