need another drink. this is the easiest way
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
