I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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