I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
