im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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