Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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