you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
