i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
