Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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