i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
