Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
