I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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